I've been listening to music again lately.
Before anyone gets the idea that this means I'm listening to Bach or Mozart or anything like that, I'm not. I'm actually mostly listening to Sum 41, Rise Against, the LostProphets, and Avril Lavigne. Nothing overly complicated, but good in its own respect.
Every time I listen to most of it I can hear my mom sitting next to me in the car telling that I might be a happier person if I didn't listen to so much subversive and angry music. While that comment bothered me at the time, it doesn't bother me so much anymore. I like the music I listen to for a reason, it gives me some form of comfort.
While I was, and still am, drifting through my teen years I find that a lot of my time is spent dealing with my doubts and insecurities. It was miserable, but something that I ultimately had to go through. And I don't listen to these bands thinking that I'm being so rebel, or that I'm fighting against some unseen force. I listen to them because they sing about the world turning it's back on you, and you having to navigate the confusing and painful times on your own. They sing about how much it hurts to be in love, and how much better it can get. They sing about loss, mourning, and being afraid.
It's for these things that I listen to the music I do.
There's something profound about finding something that you connect to. It's comforting. You're able to relate so much of yourself to it, and not just the good parts. Even if it's just some song, sung by some band, they're singing about exactly how you feel.
When I was at one of the lowest parts of my life the summer before my senior year I can remember driving at 60 miles an hour through the residential neighborhoods in complete silence. When I got sick of that silence I turned the CD on and Rise Against's "Kotov Syndrome" came on. For the first time that day I stopped and just sat there, listening to this song that by some chance was talking about everything I was feeling. And as I sat there, I just cried.
Music has this ability to channel our emotions, make us feel that somewhere in the world there's someone who's felt the way we feel now. It has the power to connect us. It's something distinct and beautiful and helps us to not feel so alone. I, personally, will never be thankful enough for this. It's music that has reminded me that it's alright to feel lost and confused and scared. But it's also reminded me to be proud of what I feel, that it is a sign that I'm alive.
It reminds us that we're never really alone.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
People Deserve Better...
Today I felt like curling into a ball and just crying.
The reason I felt like crying is because, while helping a friend look up a political topic for an upcoming QSA (Queer Straight Alliance) meeting, I came across an article about a suicide in Tennessee, the second one in as many months. Again, it's been a result of bullying in schools, and a lack of protective laws that strive to prevent bullying.
No, rather than have laws that would protect not only LGBTQ youth, but everyone, from bullying, Republican Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield is trying to pass, for the second time, the "don't say gay" bill. A bill that, if passed, will stop teachers from discussing homosexuality with students in grades K-9, even if the student is gay or has a gay family. Because that's what we need: less communication. Less trying to show people that just because you love someone who's the same sex as you doesn't mean you're out to corrupt the youth or push some agenda, but trying to gain the same rights and dignity that seems so minuscule to the straight, white population because those rights and dignities are a give in for them.
I feel sick to my stomach when I think that there are people, kids that are fourteen years old, who feel that killing themselves is the only way to escape the hate and persecution they face everyday for simply being who they are. No one should ever have to feel that hopeless, and it makes me so angry that people can stand by and let things like this happen.
In Utah, the state of my residence, a law was passed a few years back that prevented businesses not possessing a liquor licence from displaying alcohol in any place where it was possible for a minor to see it. Now, it that there can't be beer taps where children could see them. Why? Because they were worried that by seeing the alcohol, children would become curious and it would lead them to experimenting with alcohol. That was how we were going to solve the problem, by not talking about it. By hiding it until parents could feel 'comfortable' discussing it with their children.
How is this method helping?
How is hiding something from our youth and kids supposed to help them? Raising them ignorant so that they get to high school and finally run into these themes all they have is ignorance to go on. Ignorance breeds fear, and fear breed hatred. Not even allowing a discussion of a matter in school? Shocking kids with talk of sexuality, alcohol and drugs when they're in high school isn't going to help the problem. Most kids have had some experience with alcohol before they even reach high school. They're going to have questions about sex and sexuality before then too, and what's going to happen when there's no one there that can explain it to them because it's against the law for the school to and so many parents are reluctant to talk to their kids about it.
Acting like something doesn't exist, like it's not important enough to discuss, doesn't solve anything. If anything it makes kids more confused and more at risk. If we can't discuss homosexuality in schools how are we supposed to educate kids about why it's wrong to bully someone based on their sexual orientation or identity. If my parents had never talked to me about alcohol I would have never known the risks when I did drink. I know what sex is, I know how it works, and I know how to be safe because my parents didn't act like it was taboo subject that was never to be discussed. I know who I am because my parents and teachers were always willing to lend me a helping hand when I needed it.
This bill is wrong, and hatred and stigma are wrong. I'm not saying that homosexuality needs to be added to the school curriculum or that it has to be taught, but we have to be able to talk about it. I was pulled aside by a teacher, who I admire and respect, after class one day my junior year when a discussion on homosexuality had come up. He said I'd looked really troubled and wanted to know if everything was alright. I stood there and just started crying, because I had never expected anyone to ask me if I was alright. I had convinced myself that it was something that I had to deal with on my own. After that, I always knew there was someone that I could trust and talk to if I ever needed it. That is what this law would be preventing, and robbing from students.
We can't sweep it under the rug and act like adolescents aren't being confronted with it everyday. No one deserves to be bullied, and no one should ever feel like suicide is the only way out. These are the problems our lawmakers need to concern themselves with, not whether sexuality can or cannot be discussed in schools.
I want a country that isn't ruled by hate or intolerance. I want a country where I don't have to worry about being discriminated against on something as ingrained as their sexual identity or orientation. I want a world where anyone can stand up and say:
I'm here, I'm queer, and I'm not alone, so get used to it.
The reason I felt like crying is because, while helping a friend look up a political topic for an upcoming QSA (Queer Straight Alliance) meeting, I came across an article about a suicide in Tennessee, the second one in as many months. Again, it's been a result of bullying in schools, and a lack of protective laws that strive to prevent bullying.
No, rather than have laws that would protect not only LGBTQ youth, but everyone, from bullying, Republican Tennessee Senator Stacey Campfield is trying to pass, for the second time, the "don't say gay" bill. A bill that, if passed, will stop teachers from discussing homosexuality with students in grades K-9, even if the student is gay or has a gay family. Because that's what we need: less communication. Less trying to show people that just because you love someone who's the same sex as you doesn't mean you're out to corrupt the youth or push some agenda, but trying to gain the same rights and dignity that seems so minuscule to the straight, white population because those rights and dignities are a give in for them.
I feel sick to my stomach when I think that there are people, kids that are fourteen years old, who feel that killing themselves is the only way to escape the hate and persecution they face everyday for simply being who they are. No one should ever have to feel that hopeless, and it makes me so angry that people can stand by and let things like this happen.
In Utah, the state of my residence, a law was passed a few years back that prevented businesses not possessing a liquor licence from displaying alcohol in any place where it was possible for a minor to see it. Now, it that there can't be beer taps where children could see them. Why? Because they were worried that by seeing the alcohol, children would become curious and it would lead them to experimenting with alcohol. That was how we were going to solve the problem, by not talking about it. By hiding it until parents could feel 'comfortable' discussing it with their children.
How is this method helping?
How is hiding something from our youth and kids supposed to help them? Raising them ignorant so that they get to high school and finally run into these themes all they have is ignorance to go on. Ignorance breeds fear, and fear breed hatred. Not even allowing a discussion of a matter in school? Shocking kids with talk of sexuality, alcohol and drugs when they're in high school isn't going to help the problem. Most kids have had some experience with alcohol before they even reach high school. They're going to have questions about sex and sexuality before then too, and what's going to happen when there's no one there that can explain it to them because it's against the law for the school to and so many parents are reluctant to talk to their kids about it.
Acting like something doesn't exist, like it's not important enough to discuss, doesn't solve anything. If anything it makes kids more confused and more at risk. If we can't discuss homosexuality in schools how are we supposed to educate kids about why it's wrong to bully someone based on their sexual orientation or identity. If my parents had never talked to me about alcohol I would have never known the risks when I did drink. I know what sex is, I know how it works, and I know how to be safe because my parents didn't act like it was taboo subject that was never to be discussed. I know who I am because my parents and teachers were always willing to lend me a helping hand when I needed it.
This bill is wrong, and hatred and stigma are wrong. I'm not saying that homosexuality needs to be added to the school curriculum or that it has to be taught, but we have to be able to talk about it. I was pulled aside by a teacher, who I admire and respect, after class one day my junior year when a discussion on homosexuality had come up. He said I'd looked really troubled and wanted to know if everything was alright. I stood there and just started crying, because I had never expected anyone to ask me if I was alright. I had convinced myself that it was something that I had to deal with on my own. After that, I always knew there was someone that I could trust and talk to if I ever needed it. That is what this law would be preventing, and robbing from students.
We can't sweep it under the rug and act like adolescents aren't being confronted with it everyday. No one deserves to be bullied, and no one should ever feel like suicide is the only way out. These are the problems our lawmakers need to concern themselves with, not whether sexuality can or cannot be discussed in schools.
I want a country that isn't ruled by hate or intolerance. I want a country where I don't have to worry about being discriminated against on something as ingrained as their sexual identity or orientation. I want a world where anyone can stand up and say:
I'm here, I'm queer, and I'm not alone, so get used to it.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Paranoia, thy name is 2012...
Hello.
As I sit here, eating almonds and trying to pretend I don't have to walk all the way across campus in an hour, only to do it again in another hour, then go to the gym, I realize that I haven't posted anything here in forever. I can only attribute this to not wanting to do anything over the break and writers block. Maybe there just hasn't been anything particularly inspiring.
Now I'm back in classes, trying to decompress and get back into the swing of having actual responsibilities like cooking and cleaning. I still haven't cleaned my half of the room which is leading my roommate on her way to a nervous break down. Not sure why, it doesn't touch her half. Cooking is okay, I generally just eat whatever my friend Ehrin makes and then offer to do the dishes. We think it's a pretty sweet deal.
New Years has come and gone and we have now entered into what possibly could be our last year on this earth. Personally, I can't understand why we're taking advice from a people that full on vanished off the face of the earth, but that hasn't stopped a decent chunk of the population from doing so. This bothers me. Probably because, just in my lifetime (which is only nineteen years), this is the fourth or fifth time the world is supposed to end. I don't see how people can still care. It's like being told you'll get a free car if you show up alone in the middle of a desolate field only to find out you've been had and the person has stolen the majority of your possessions. And then showing up again the next time someone tells you the same lie.
It's madness.
Is some completely random act of god going to come down on us? Or have scientists just been sitting on their asses the last ten or so years and not doing their jobs of noticing world wide catastrophe that will strike in the year 2012? It bothers me that something like this can still whip the population into such a frenzy, especially since this is not the first time such a prediction has been made. Come on, Humanity, you're better than this.
Or maybe you're not. I don't know anymore.
On the whole, most people probably know this is crap, but that doesn't change the fact that a lot of people do. Oh well, my Criminal Justice teacher always said something that I think will be applicable for the rest of my life:
You can't fix stupid.
And with that, I will leave you. I hope that the year is filled with fulfilled New Years resolutions and joy and smiles and rainbows and kittens.
And I hope that we can look forward to a year that can end Armageddon free.
As I sit here, eating almonds and trying to pretend I don't have to walk all the way across campus in an hour, only to do it again in another hour, then go to the gym, I realize that I haven't posted anything here in forever. I can only attribute this to not wanting to do anything over the break and writers block. Maybe there just hasn't been anything particularly inspiring.
Now I'm back in classes, trying to decompress and get back into the swing of having actual responsibilities like cooking and cleaning. I still haven't cleaned my half of the room which is leading my roommate on her way to a nervous break down. Not sure why, it doesn't touch her half. Cooking is okay, I generally just eat whatever my friend Ehrin makes and then offer to do the dishes. We think it's a pretty sweet deal.
New Years has come and gone and we have now entered into what possibly could be our last year on this earth. Personally, I can't understand why we're taking advice from a people that full on vanished off the face of the earth, but that hasn't stopped a decent chunk of the population from doing so. This bothers me. Probably because, just in my lifetime (which is only nineteen years), this is the fourth or fifth time the world is supposed to end. I don't see how people can still care. It's like being told you'll get a free car if you show up alone in the middle of a desolate field only to find out you've been had and the person has stolen the majority of your possessions. And then showing up again the next time someone tells you the same lie.
It's madness.
Is some completely random act of god going to come down on us? Or have scientists just been sitting on their asses the last ten or so years and not doing their jobs of noticing world wide catastrophe that will strike in the year 2012? It bothers me that something like this can still whip the population into such a frenzy, especially since this is not the first time such a prediction has been made. Come on, Humanity, you're better than this.
Or maybe you're not. I don't know anymore.
On the whole, most people probably know this is crap, but that doesn't change the fact that a lot of people do. Oh well, my Criminal Justice teacher always said something that I think will be applicable for the rest of my life:
You can't fix stupid.
And with that, I will leave you. I hope that the year is filled with fulfilled New Years resolutions and joy and smiles and rainbows and kittens.
And I hope that we can look forward to a year that can end Armageddon free.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Shedding the Closet...
I cleaned out my closet today.
Generally I just grit my teeth and do my best to give away things I don't feel like I'll miss too much. I think this is mostly because I've always been strangely conscious of the fact that once I let something go, it's never coming back. The finality of it bothers me a little. That and I never really know how something will play into fashion in years to come. Or maybe I've got a mild form of hoarding, I don't know.
This year however, as I sat amongst the piles of clothes from past years I found that it wasn't really hard to get rid of anything. For the first time it didn't feel like a chore. It felt really liberating, like shedding the person that I've been for the last few years to make room for something new.
It was nice.
Fashions always been a touchy subject, mostly because it's been one of the hardest parts of life. Mostly because I never really had much sense of it. For most of my life I was content to just be "that girl". The one who marched to her own drum, wore boys clothes, and never really cared much about what anyone else thought. And that was fine, I loved being that person, but it also marked some difficulties I was having finding myself. My entire adolescents pretty much sucked. Then I went through the black goth phase, and then the baggy jeans and tank top phase. I have the clearest memory of standing in Target with a black shirt in my hands and having my mom tell me "Well, it is a cute shirt, but I don't want you turning into some punk goth kid".
I don't know why I remember any of these moments, it's not like they were the proudest moments of my life or anything. Contrary, they were some of the worst chunks of life. It was the years where I was so sure I knew who I was until, all of sudden, I didn't. It was like every other adolescents out there who spends so many years pretending they're fine while struggling to find some rhyme or reason to life. Trying to carve out who they're going to be for the rest of their life. Trying to make sense of things that seemed so insignificant until that point.
It's hard.
It's hard and it's scary and for a good year or two you're fairly certain this is the way it's going to be for the rest of your life. Inevitably though, something will come along that will snap you out of it, something that will help everything to start to fall into place. There will still be a long way to go, but you have a sense of where things will fall. You stop feeling so unsure.
Cleaning out your closet is a lot like shedding a layer of skin. You brush off the black shirts and torn up pants of yesterday to make way for the neon colored jeans and sweaters of tomorrow. You throw out all the mistakes and insecurity for something better, a more comfortable fit.
I'm happy to be entering the new year like this, getting yet another clean start to continue the journey to finding out who I am. I'm a lot more sure than I was five years ago, but no where near where I'm going to be five years from now. Just as I look at the dark clothes of years passed, I know I'll look at them again someday and be reminded of those terrible and confusing years, but also of the growth and change that I've been able to make as an individual.
I welcome this next chapter of my life with open arms.
Generally I just grit my teeth and do my best to give away things I don't feel like I'll miss too much. I think this is mostly because I've always been strangely conscious of the fact that once I let something go, it's never coming back. The finality of it bothers me a little. That and I never really know how something will play into fashion in years to come. Or maybe I've got a mild form of hoarding, I don't know.
This year however, as I sat amongst the piles of clothes from past years I found that it wasn't really hard to get rid of anything. For the first time it didn't feel like a chore. It felt really liberating, like shedding the person that I've been for the last few years to make room for something new.
It was nice.
Fashions always been a touchy subject, mostly because it's been one of the hardest parts of life. Mostly because I never really had much sense of it. For most of my life I was content to just be "that girl". The one who marched to her own drum, wore boys clothes, and never really cared much about what anyone else thought. And that was fine, I loved being that person, but it also marked some difficulties I was having finding myself. My entire adolescents pretty much sucked. Then I went through the black goth phase, and then the baggy jeans and tank top phase. I have the clearest memory of standing in Target with a black shirt in my hands and having my mom tell me "Well, it is a cute shirt, but I don't want you turning into some punk goth kid".
I don't know why I remember any of these moments, it's not like they were the proudest moments of my life or anything. Contrary, they were some of the worst chunks of life. It was the years where I was so sure I knew who I was until, all of sudden, I didn't. It was like every other adolescents out there who spends so many years pretending they're fine while struggling to find some rhyme or reason to life. Trying to carve out who they're going to be for the rest of their life. Trying to make sense of things that seemed so insignificant until that point.
It's hard.
It's hard and it's scary and for a good year or two you're fairly certain this is the way it's going to be for the rest of your life. Inevitably though, something will come along that will snap you out of it, something that will help everything to start to fall into place. There will still be a long way to go, but you have a sense of where things will fall. You stop feeling so unsure.
Cleaning out your closet is a lot like shedding a layer of skin. You brush off the black shirts and torn up pants of yesterday to make way for the neon colored jeans and sweaters of tomorrow. You throw out all the mistakes and insecurity for something better, a more comfortable fit.
I'm happy to be entering the new year like this, getting yet another clean start to continue the journey to finding out who I am. I'm a lot more sure than I was five years ago, but no where near where I'm going to be five years from now. Just as I look at the dark clothes of years passed, I know I'll look at them again someday and be reminded of those terrible and confusing years, but also of the growth and change that I've been able to make as an individual.
I welcome this next chapter of my life with open arms.
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