It Sucks...

I don't often bitch about my own life. Well, right now I'm tired enough to not care.

It sucks sometimes. Everything just sucks.

It sucks to have people lie to your face and then pretend like nothing has happened. It sucks to have your hopes lifted only to have them crushed again, and even worse to not even be surprised by it. To love someone who doesn't love you back. To put forth so much effort into keeping something you believe in alive only to find out the other person could care less. To be tossed aside while they smile and lie "we can still be friends".

It sucks to put your heart out there for someone after you've put in back together, to have them lead you on and then hook up with someone else. It sucks to have them look you in the eye and tell you that nothing's changed when everything has. To have to sit next to them almost everyday and force a smile like your heart isn't breaking. To have them complain about how hard their life is when someone denies their affections and fools around with other people. To sit there and try to feel sorry for them, and realize that you can't. To hate yourself for it.

It's sucks to feel worthless. When you wake up and look in the mirror and wonder why the person looking back at you matters. It sucks to feel scared and ashamed, because if no one has wanted to keep you up to this point, why would anyone want you? To feel like you can't help anyone and that they don't really trust you. To feel like you mean nothing because no one has shown you that you mean anything more.

Sometimes being alive sucks. It sucks to feel like you're forcing yourself forward, forcing smiles because you don't want anyone to worry. It sucks telling people that they need to care about themselves, and feeling like a hypocrite. It sucks not being able to tell anyone because every time you've ever been vulnerable, let someone in, you've been pushed away. To want nothing more than to cry and feel like you have to be strong instead. To want someone to hug you and tell you "it's okay to break down". To want someone who just understands.

It all just really sucks.