"Love all, trust few, do wrong to none"...

Haven't posted in a while.

....and by "a while" I mean like four days, but whatevs.

Brogan has confirmed that many of my posts are just in response to his, which I find hilarious. Or they're angry rants about people who shall remain nameless, but they're mostly in response to things he's written. I joked I should just rename my blog (for the third time) "In which I reply to Brogan's blog" since it seems to be fairly accurate.

I won't. Mostly because I don't remember how to, but also because I like my blog. It's a little bit like a hair cut, and I finally got it to a place where it doesn't make me look hideous.

No, right now I just want to be content with myself where I'm at. In all aspects of my life. I want to be happy with my attitude and my body and my place in this world, whatever it may be. I want to step out into the world and be proud of myself, of what other people see in me, in what I know I can do and what I do.

Everyone should want this, and everyone deserves this. How sad and crushing would life be if we couldn't be proud of ourselves? If no one else could be proud of us? My friend Kamille has a really great policy that, the more I hear it, the more I want to apply it to my own life: "You can't love anyone else until you love yourself".

Love yourself, love everything there is about you, faults and all, because when you sit down and think about it, there's no one else in the world like you. Sure, most of us will never grow up to be the next Gandhi, or Mother Teresa, or Truman Capote, but what's to stop us from trying? What's out there keeping us from being exactly who we are, and loving every bit of it? Sure, we aren't going to be perfect, and we aren't going to be successful immediately, and sometimes life isn't going to go the way we want it to, but why let that stop you?

I'd like to believe that one day I'll be something greater than I am now, even if it's only by a little bit. I'd like to believe that I'll come to a place where I can be completely happy, regardless of where I stand in life.

Oh, and just so I can reference Brogan yet again, even if things are shit now, keep your head up because things will always get better!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to all who read and stumble upon this blog!

I hope that you all have an amazing day, and by extension a wonderful following couple of weeks filled with so much turkey that the very sight of it will make you sick. But that's later, today is just a day to eat until you feel sick.

Be happy!

Be thankful!

And don't eat so much that you really make yourself sick. I'm not supposed to condone that.

Obligitory Angry Rant

I'm home, and that's good.

Well, it would be better if my dad and sister weren't at each other's throats, but whatevs. Some things cannot be avoided. Besides, it's mostly because they're both stubborn, but it sucks cause my mom and I are just sitting in the middle going "what the hell".

More than anything I'm really tired. Which is naturally why I'm choosing to sit up and write in this stupid thing rather than get some well deserved sleep. I need that sleep, and I'm going to explain why. There are three very good reasons actually. 1. It's Thanksgiving, 2. I have to help my mom cook, and 3. Chelsea is coming over and I need all the mental strength I can gather for that eventuality.

But you ask, "Kelsey, why is it bad that Chelsea's coming over? Isn't she like your best friend ever?". To this I can only say that while Chelsea is one of my best friends, she also makes me want to scream and punch kittens. This is saying a lot because I freakin' love kittens.

I wouldn't be so against her coming over all of a sudden, but she made things sort of incredibly weird and I don't know how to handle it. The only way I can really handle it is to shut it down before it even really begins, because if she gets her foot in the door she's coming in whether you like it or not.

The night before I flew home I get a text at 11:30 at night, when I'm sleeping, from Chelsea asking if I would be mad if she tried to hook me up with one of her friends. I said not really, figuring "what's the worst that can happen?". Oh, the worst was yet to come. The girl is 21, lives in Ogden, and the reason Chelsea knows her is because she's one of her Cosplay friends. (For those of you who don't know Cosplay is when you dress up as a character from something and go run around with other people who like to dress up as characters from something. Generally, this means you have no real life or responsibilities. Not always, just a good amount of time)

But it's okay, she's good at long distance relationships, her last girlfriend was from California.

On top of all this, I get sent her phone number so I can call and/or text her to find out if she would want to hook up.

Is it so wrong for me to feel completely floored that someone who has had not one, but two disastrous long distance relationships with girls who could hardly function feels like they can tell me who it would be good for me to date? Or to think that if you're 21 you should have your life put together, at least to the point where you're not hanging around a group of people ages 14 - 19 who are still dressing up like video game characters from games people stopped caring about years ago?

I feel like I sound like this terrible person, but I can't help but feel that some of it is justified. Perhaps I'm just bias, but it seems to me that anime and Cosplay were just something Chelsea and I were into in middle school. It was like a rebellious phase, and while I grew out of it, she never did. When the rest of us moved on, she stayed stuck in that fantasy world where all your dreams are going to come true and reality never becomes, real. And while there's nothing wrong with being a dreamer, or having dreams, there comes a point when you have to accept that not everything is the way you envisioned it.

You have to grow up. You have to start doing well in school. You have to realize that people expect certain things of you.

That's the end of that rant. It's just been knocking around in my head the last couple of days and I need to write it all down before my head explodes. I like my head better the way it is. I just feel frustrated and tired. I also probably wouldn't have cared if I had just got to deal with this from school, but it all happened when I came home, so there's no chance of avoiding it.

Awesome.

But it's all okay because a friend looked up the Internet definition for creativity in his blog the other day. This gives me comfort because I now know I'm not the only one who turns to shady Internet dictionaries when I need to make a point. To him, I say thank you. And love you!

Me, Myself, and I...

Lately I've been hearing a lot about being yourself.

I love being myself. Granted, that self is some what narcissistic, queer kid, who talks to herself far too much and makes situations that didn't need to be awkward incredibly awkward. It's who I am, who I've grown into being. It's who I'm very happy and very thankful to be. I laugh when people trip, and when I make an idiot out of myself. I probably don't eat enough of the right things or sleep as much as I should. But I love dearly and with my entire heart. I value people, and I value that they have the mental fortitude to put up with me.

I just spent five minutes shooting staples at my friend.

But what are the negatives to this self? To who I know myself to be? I know that I get angry when I shouldn't, and that I lash out at people who don't deserve it. I tend to hold onto things. I repeat myself. I can be petty, jealous, talk about others behind their backs. I definitely laugh at inappropriate times. Generally tend to make people uncomfortable. Have some sick obsession with being at the top because I'm so afraid of being torn down.

I'm going on four years of holding the same girl in my heart even though she's out of my life.

I think it's the blending of those positive and negative attributes that makes us so unique, which is a word I'm having trouble with lately. Unique, as defined by the Internet dictionary I use when such problems arise, is: "existing as the only one or as the sole example; single; solitary in type or characteristics".

I like that definition.

Yes, we spend our lives generally conforming to what society tells us is right, or whatever happens to be the norm at the time. But even so, is there any other instance of Kelsey Jean Steed in the world? Or am I the singular and sole example of what it means to be it? I'd like to hope I am, and I'd like to believe that I am.

But sometimes, it's hard to be you.

Not so much because you're ashamed of who you are, though sometimes you are, but because everyone else is ashamed of who you are. We see this consistently through history. People who have the courage to stand up for themselves, for who they are, and what they believe, are generally persecuted. Who is at fault then for their silence, their conformity? I've been lucky. People accept the strange and insane individual that I am. But not everyone is as lucky.

That's what I'd like to change if I could change anything in the world.

I'd like to make it so we could all just be ... well, us! Crazy, calm, loud, quiet, gentle, abrasive, cruel, satiric, overjoyed, mellow, and loving.

Lights, Camera, and Action...

Drama.

Not the theatrical, song and dance, and the magic of the stage drama.

Self inflicted, self-fueled, narcissistic drama. The kind you cook up while you're sitting alone in your apartment, staring at the wall and wondering why you're not out actually having a life. The drama that hurts others, yourself, and more than likely destroy any and all chances you would have of having a life.

I'm surrounded by drama. Thankfully not in my living space.

All the drama seems to circulate around certain individuals who seem to be in denial about their standings in life. They think that they're so secure that they can say whatever they want about everyone else around them, as if they are completely blameless. That they can believe that everyone does nothing but love them while in reality they have alienated themselves from everyone who could possibly consider them a friend.

I don't understand these people.

It's not difficult to live a life where you don't spend the majority of your time dragging other people down. At times, it is, everything in life is. But in the grand scheme, it's not hard.

I find myself sitting in a group of friends and hearing them talk about nothing but the rumors circulating around about them. Or I find myself sitting with certain individuals telling me how well they can read people and spreading the rumors I spend the rest of my day hearing.

Just stop.

You're not helping anyone.

You're not making friends.

You're only hurting yourself, your friends, and your relationships.

penis

penis

Let's Take a Drive...

Shaking the box again.

I think this is the third attempt at a greetings, and still nothing.

I think the angry streak has broken and I'm back to having nothing to talk about. I'm sure if I was still living in the dorms there would be plenty of drama to pull from. Sadly, that's no longer the case. It's really hard to find things to talk about in an apartment of six where we all get along really well.

This weekend one of my apart-mates friends from back home came down to visit. On the surface that doesn't sound like much. The decision was made on sheer impulse and they showed up at our door at about 1:30 in the morning.

That's where this leaves us.

Impulse.

Impulse is defined as "sudden,involuntary inclination prompting to action".

After the weekend adventure of the mysterious group of individuals who drove five hours down, stayed for maybe eight, and drove back another five hours, I've been thinking: is it good?

Is it a good thing to be impulsive? To do what you want, when you want, and worry about the consequences after? Would this world be better if we were all a bit more impulsive?

I for one would like to be a bit more impulsive. If I were more impulsive my one attempt at a relationship probably wouldn't have ended in ruin.

Maybe the world would be a bit better if we worked on thinking less and acting more. But, the world wouldn't be perfect if we abandoned rational thinking all together. There's a fine line between being emotional and being rational, and it's a thin line to walk.

I'd like to think that I do think on impulse, I definitely speak impulsively. But I know that I'm not. I over think things to the level where I feel like I've missed out on telling people things that I know now I will never get to say. It troubles me, but I find it hard to push down that rational part of myself.

Let's try, however.

Let's try to find the balance together.

This I Believe...

As always, I have no real idea what to write about. My theory is that as long as I stare at the screen long enough and retype and intro enough times, something good will eventually come of it.

It's a little bit like throwing all the parts of a watch into a box and shaking it until you make a watch.

I'm not sure how many times I've had to shake the box. Since I'm still going, I guess it finally made a watch.

I know, a list. Why? Because my friend Ehrin is standing right next to me, and she loves lists. Also because, for the first time in my life, I've attended Sacrament Meeting. I went on a particularly good day, because they were doing testimony, and what's wrong with a list of things that you believe?

#1 - Love Freely

Cheesy? Yes.

Don't let the people you love out of your life. You'll regret it. I speak this from experience. It's better to tell them your feelings and face the consequences than to keep silent and lose them.

#2 - Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

How boring would things be if we never laughed at ourselves?

If we couldn't laugh at ourselves a lot of us would probably be dead. Life is the most fucked up and wonderfully random experience, don't be afraid to enjoy it.

Besides, the more you laugh, the better your chance of developing awesome abs.

#3 - Hold on to Your Friends

I've lost way too many friends, and I find myself wondering much of the time "was there anything I could have done differently?". Regrets are terrible things, do your best to live life with none.

Then again, no one is perfect. Don't be too hard on them, and don't be too hard on yourself.

#4 - Be You!

"The greatest privilege in life, is being yourself" ~Joseph Campbell

That quote has gotten me through a lot. No matter what anyone says, you're beautiful,and you're perfect. Never be afraid to be yourself, even if that self is a slightly narcissistic, goof-ball who talks to herself far too often. How many people do you know as fascinating as yourself?

#5 - Do What You Love

Screw trying to be rich and famous. Just do what makes you happy and the rest will fall into place. Maybe it won't always be easy, but if you truly love it, who cares?

#6 - Live and Let Live

Don't try to change people, that's where conflict begins. Just let them be them and be you. Maybe you won't always agree on everything, but what's life without a little friendly conflict?

To each his own.

#7 - It Gets Better

The world is terrifying sometimes. Sometimes you just want to curl up into a ball and cry yourself to sleep. And sometimes you will. I have. The most important thing to remember tomorrow is a new day. Nothing's ever as bad as it seems, and it gets better.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

#8 - Don't Be Afraid To Make A Difference

I want to believe, that even if I can only ever help one person, I'll be able to die without regret.

People often tell me my dreams are cheesy, that they're unrealistic, and what are the odds that anything one girl from Utah will make the slightest difference. Yea, it's a little cheesy, but it's true. I want to make a difference in this world, no matter who it's for or where it happens.

I believe that I can make a difference, and so I'll never stop trying.

These are things that in my nineteen years on this earth I've come to believe as true. They won't make me rich or famous or find me an amazing partner who shares my hopes and dreams immediately, but they've made me a better person. They've helped to remind me that no matter how bad things get, I just have to keep moving with my head held high.

Love, laugh, and live, because what else can you really do?

I have a question:

Is it so hard to use there, their and they're correctly? Seriously.

Tooling around facebook today, apparently my new favorite past time, I came across something I want very much to like, and that makes me want to run my head screaming into a wall. The quote is as follows: "The only people I need in my life are the people who need me in theres".

Am I completely insane for wanting to scream at this? I don't think so.

It's a very simply thing. There is when referring to a place, neither here nor there. Their is when we're talking about possession, that car is theirs. They're is a contraction for they are, they're not out of school for another hour.

I feel like this shouldn't be that hard. They have very distinct meanings, and they're not that much alike. Come on, people. We learned this in fourth grade, you're in college now for god's sake.

.....After all of that I feel that it needs to be taken into consideration that I found this on facebook. While this doesn't apply to everyone, people on facebook tend to be less than intelligent. At least the ones who do nothing but troll there. All. Day.

I have been in the worst mood lately. I need something to pick me up. Maybe coffee, or hitting someone with car. Dunno.

Well, off to class and to whore out my blood for money because I'm dirt poor.

What if...?

Let's be honest internet, I don't know what to talk about.

Seriously, I've got nothing. I was planning to bitch about the people who make life difficult to live with their stupid drama that, while they blame it on the world, it's really all their own doing, but what's the point? They're still going to complain and refuse to take responsibility for their actions.

Maybe I could complain about how in the last week I've packed up my entire life and moved for the third time in three months. About how I'm still completely destroyed inside by the fact that I was forcibly separated from many of the people I consider to be incredible friends. It wouldn't get us our old home and lives back.

Or, I could complain about how people trash talk others behind their backs. About how they say again and again how two people's relationship is going to fail and is making them different people and then being nice to their faces. If the relationship is going to end in ruin, then it will. If the two are happy, let them be. And if you're going to act like a vindictive bitch because you're upset your relationship prospects aren't going they way you want them to, at least have the decency to do it to their face.

I could talk about how I try to sound like I don't have these flaws when I know I'm as guilty as everyone else. About how no matter how hard I try to break from old ways, I can't. I'm cruel, and petty, and talk about people behind their backs just as much as anyone else. And now I'm on a obligatory, self hate rant just like the rest of the world.

I want to know what the world would be like if we all just said what we felt without regard of others feelings.

Perhaps we would make some enemies, but if they couldn't respect us telling them our honest feelings, would we really want them as friends? I want to believe in a world where we won't have to put on fake smiles and acts to be considered good people. Where we are free to be angry and hurt and upset without everyone labeling us as pessimistic or negative. I want to be in a place where people tell the truth, instead of waiting til you leave the room to tear you down.

What if we could all just live a happy life allowed to feel and think how we wanted without the fear of being judged?

What if for one day, we could just be ourselves?