Me, Myself, and I...

Lately I've been hearing a lot about being yourself.

I love being myself. Granted, that self is some what narcissistic, queer kid, who talks to herself far too much and makes situations that didn't need to be awkward incredibly awkward. It's who I am, who I've grown into being. It's who I'm very happy and very thankful to be. I laugh when people trip, and when I make an idiot out of myself. I probably don't eat enough of the right things or sleep as much as I should. But I love dearly and with my entire heart. I value people, and I value that they have the mental fortitude to put up with me.

I just spent five minutes shooting staples at my friend.

But what are the negatives to this self? To who I know myself to be? I know that I get angry when I shouldn't, and that I lash out at people who don't deserve it. I tend to hold onto things. I repeat myself. I can be petty, jealous, talk about others behind their backs. I definitely laugh at inappropriate times. Generally tend to make people uncomfortable. Have some sick obsession with being at the top because I'm so afraid of being torn down.

I'm going on four years of holding the same girl in my heart even though she's out of my life.

I think it's the blending of those positive and negative attributes that makes us so unique, which is a word I'm having trouble with lately. Unique, as defined by the Internet dictionary I use when such problems arise, is: "existing as the only one or as the sole example; single; solitary in type or characteristics".

I like that definition.

Yes, we spend our lives generally conforming to what society tells us is right, or whatever happens to be the norm at the time. But even so, is there any other instance of Kelsey Jean Steed in the world? Or am I the singular and sole example of what it means to be it? I'd like to hope I am, and I'd like to believe that I am.

But sometimes, it's hard to be you.

Not so much because you're ashamed of who you are, though sometimes you are, but because everyone else is ashamed of who you are. We see this consistently through history. People who have the courage to stand up for themselves, for who they are, and what they believe, are generally persecuted. Who is at fault then for their silence, their conformity? I've been lucky. People accept the strange and insane individual that I am. But not everyone is as lucky.

That's what I'd like to change if I could change anything in the world.

I'd like to make it so we could all just be ... well, us! Crazy, calm, loud, quiet, gentle, abrasive, cruel, satiric, overjoyed, mellow, and loving.